Consumed?

Today I'm ending the day feeling consumed. I feel eaten alive by my day (my life, really). Because I've spent my days "busy".

A couple weeks ago I had this really great day where I feel like I was temporarily transformed. At the time I didn't know it was temporary, though. But I saw all of that busy-ness through different eyes. It was like my day was a cornucopia and all of these things that keep me busy (helping with homework, doing my own homework, sorting laundry, getting groceries, changing diapers, following up with doctors, cheering at little league games, running to school carpool, and on and on)... It was as if all of these things were the blessings of a full life spilling from a cornucopia. It was as if I was being blessed with abundance, rather than cursed with a never-ending task list (which I'm pretty sure is what hell is like).  It was a beautiful feeling. Because all of this abundance is really just the result of all the decisions I've made in my life. The decision to marry a kind, helpful man who is as willing to help anyone he sees in need as he is to listen to me fret about life ad nauseum. The decision to have 6 kids and make their well-being the focus of my life. The decision to live in a beautiful place that is far from family. The decision to turn my life and heart toward God, even when I find his light scorching to my yet-to-be perfected soul.

My point is, I want it back. I want the eyes to see my life as it really is. I want the ability to savor this season of abundance while it lasts. I don't want to look back and feel like I've squandered my abundance. Maybe this is what the parable of the talents means for me in my life right now. But it's not talents like special abilities, "talents" for me right now is that one day of better life vision to see my list of tasks as blessings of a full life. And my tendency is to bury it. To obscure my vision and cover my blessings in figurative dirt. To view this same list which God can teach me is abundance, to view it as a list from hell.

I have a feeling God can transform me. Perhaps he can help me double my talent. Turn it from a single day of God-vision into two.

Tomorrow I will get up with the intent of having a God-vision day. I will make decisions knowing he can grant that gift again.

So tomorrow night I will slip into bed feeling full to overflowing rather than consumed.

Day 13

39. BYU independent study. I'm really glad I have the chance to pursue my education from my home. I'm blessed that so many people have worked to create a strong program. It really enhances my life to learn and open my mind and grow my brain. Even if I never finish my degree (which I hope to) I'm a better person for having taken classes.

40. Peace and quiet. I love, love, love nothingness. I love silence. I love having time to wander in my thoughts. I love uninterrupted peace. For this reason, I rarely opt to turn on the tv at home, or play background music. I love quiet and I love stealing away in my thoughts in quiet moments.

41. Now for one about my body... Let's give a shout out to teeth today. That would be miserable to live without them. Think of all the great foods you could never eat (chicken, peanuts, carrots, Jordan almonds). Plus, teeth look nice. All white and shiny. Even though you could still eat taffy, it would never be the same if you just had to suck it until it dissolved. The fun of taffy is in the chewing. Oh teeth, I love you!

Busy with writing papers

I usually update my blog posts at bedtime. It's a nice reflective time when very few people vie for my attention. (just Nat and Stephen) but the last 2 weeks I've been pooped!  I'm finishing up my adolescent development class which required writing 2 papers. So let's just look at what a typical day looks like:
5:10 am: out of bed, do a little housework
5:42 am: leave for seminary, study adolescent development during seminary
7:00 am: arrive home, work with 3 younger boys to get them out the door while I feed and change Nat
8:00 am: boys leave the house, I have a couple hours to clean, run errands, go to dr appointments, do household paperwork, take care of Nat, etc.
11:40 am: leave to get Caleb from school, meet friends for playdate, do dinner prep, or read/play with Caleb.
2:40 pm: start after school carpool, then homework, chores, dinner, cleanup, baths, extra curriculars.
That lasts till bedtime and when my head hits the pillow at 9:45, it takes me about 4 seconds to fall asleep.

Which is why the extra stuff like posting in a blog is not happening.

Good news, though. I have been doing pretty good at thinking through gratitude, I'm just not posting about it. And more good news, I submitted the last paper today, now I just have to take the final in a week and I'll have this class behind me.