Consumed?

Today I'm ending the day feeling consumed. I feel eaten alive by my day (my life, really). Because I've spent my days "busy".

A couple weeks ago I had this really great day where I feel like I was temporarily transformed. At the time I didn't know it was temporary, though. But I saw all of that busy-ness through different eyes. It was like my day was a cornucopia and all of these things that keep me busy (helping with homework, doing my own homework, sorting laundry, getting groceries, changing diapers, following up with doctors, cheering at little league games, running to school carpool, and on and on)... It was as if all of these things were the blessings of a full life spilling from a cornucopia. It was as if I was being blessed with abundance, rather than cursed with a never-ending task list (which I'm pretty sure is what hell is like).  It was a beautiful feeling. Because all of this abundance is really just the result of all the decisions I've made in my life. The decision to marry a kind, helpful man who is as willing to help anyone he sees in need as he is to listen to me fret about life ad nauseum. The decision to have 6 kids and make their well-being the focus of my life. The decision to live in a beautiful place that is far from family. The decision to turn my life and heart toward God, even when I find his light scorching to my yet-to-be perfected soul.

My point is, I want it back. I want the eyes to see my life as it really is. I want the ability to savor this season of abundance while it lasts. I don't want to look back and feel like I've squandered my abundance. Maybe this is what the parable of the talents means for me in my life right now. But it's not talents like special abilities, "talents" for me right now is that one day of better life vision to see my list of tasks as blessings of a full life. And my tendency is to bury it. To obscure my vision and cover my blessings in figurative dirt. To view this same list which God can teach me is abundance, to view it as a list from hell.

I have a feeling God can transform me. Perhaps he can help me double my talent. Turn it from a single day of God-vision into two.

Tomorrow I will get up with the intent of having a God-vision day. I will make decisions knowing he can grant that gift again.

So tomorrow night I will slip into bed feeling full to overflowing rather than consumed.

Day 13

39. BYU independent study. I'm really glad I have the chance to pursue my education from my home. I'm blessed that so many people have worked to create a strong program. It really enhances my life to learn and open my mind and grow my brain. Even if I never finish my degree (which I hope to) I'm a better person for having taken classes.

40. Peace and quiet. I love, love, love nothingness. I love silence. I love having time to wander in my thoughts. I love uninterrupted peace. For this reason, I rarely opt to turn on the tv at home, or play background music. I love quiet and I love stealing away in my thoughts in quiet moments.

41. Now for one about my body... Let's give a shout out to teeth today. That would be miserable to live without them. Think of all the great foods you could never eat (chicken, peanuts, carrots, Jordan almonds). Plus, teeth look nice. All white and shiny. Even though you could still eat taffy, it would never be the same if you just had to suck it until it dissolved. The fun of taffy is in the chewing. Oh teeth, I love you!

Busy with writing papers

I usually update my blog posts at bedtime. It's a nice reflective time when very few people vie for my attention. (just Nat and Stephen) but the last 2 weeks I've been pooped!  I'm finishing up my adolescent development class which required writing 2 papers. So let's just look at what a typical day looks like:
5:10 am: out of bed, do a little housework
5:42 am: leave for seminary, study adolescent development during seminary
7:00 am: arrive home, work with 3 younger boys to get them out the door while I feed and change Nat
8:00 am: boys leave the house, I have a couple hours to clean, run errands, go to dr appointments, do household paperwork, take care of Nat, etc.
11:40 am: leave to get Caleb from school, meet friends for playdate, do dinner prep, or read/play with Caleb.
2:40 pm: start after school carpool, then homework, chores, dinner, cleanup, baths, extra curriculars.
That lasts till bedtime and when my head hits the pillow at 9:45, it takes me about 4 seconds to fall asleep.

Which is why the extra stuff like posting in a blog is not happening.

Good news, though. I have been doing pretty good at thinking through gratitude, I'm just not posting about it. And more good news, I submitted the last paper today, now I just have to take the final in a week and I'll have this class behind me.

Day 12

I'm stumbling along trying to stay focused on living thankfully. I've been getting sidetracked. Let me try to get started again...

36.the preschool mom who I don't know that offered to watch Nat in the car while I ran Caleb into school. I love random acts of kindness from strangers.

Boy, I feel rusty at this. Somehow I feel like is be better at a complaining type blog, than a gratitude project. I'm supposed to be looking for things about a physical body to be thankful for...

37. I suppose I normally just take for granted that my body pretty much just functions normally. So I'm thankful that my body just does what its supposed to do.

38. Yesterday when I was fasting I was more aware of my body's dependence on God. I was feeling hunger, some of my muscles were sore from slight dehydration I think. I was just reminded that my body needs constant nourishment. And where does the nourishment come from? Well, ultimately from God. Even the food we "make" is derived from the earth, and more accurately, we just recycle it. So I'll be grateful for a constant supply of nourishment.

Day 11 (or so)

Hmm, I've been a little distracted. Time to get back on course.

34. I'm thankful for breathing. For sucking in fresh air and holding it in my lungs.

Day 10

Tired again . Gonna be brief

30. Hands. To hold little hands with, and to hold big hands with

31. Smiles. On friends. On strangers. On babies especially. And on Stephen. Ooh, and just thinking about this brings a smile to MY face :)

32. The sense of touch. Being able to feel. Nice to be able to feel stuff. Even nice to be able to feel pain. (otherwise we would do things that would damage our bodies and not stop doing it to avoid pain). Hmmm, that probably has a spiritual parallel.

Day 9

27. A voice. The ability both to speak and to have something to say.
28. Movement. I'm really glad I can move myself where I want to go, and I can move my body in many different ways.

29. I'm trying to dig deeper in appreciating the gift of a body. Fundamentally, why even have a body? It houses my spirit. Without a body what could my spirit even do? I don't think it could. Tonight we were talking to the kids about the scripture that says faith without works is dead. I think that's kind of like a spirit without a body. You can have all these ideas about what you want to do, but then your body gets to work and actually does them (or doesn't do them). So I'll be grateful for that today. The ability to DO. To act upon anything. That really is a great gift. Kind of goes with agency. Having a body gives me the ability to take advantage of having agency. Nice.

Finding Joy

So, the whole point of this is to live my life more joyfully. Not that I'm not happy, because generally I am. But I want more joy. More inner peace. Less getting bogged down by the everyday hassles. Less distraction. More focus on what's really important.

I find myself at the end of the day laying in bed thinking, "OK, what can I post about being thankful for today?" Then I rack my brain for anything that might fit. So it's a step in the right direction. The next change I'm going to make, is to try to focus on my gifts/blessings throughout the day. I think that will give me more of the shift of focus I'm looking for.

Also, this week I'm going to focus on gratitude for my body. I know that sounds weird. Let me explain. I think I have a bit of a warped view about bodies. I see my body as a burden. Something to maintain. It needs to be cleaned, fed, exercised, taken to the doctor for checkups, and on and on and on. Just more on my list of things to do. (Really, I have to feed this thing three times a day FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE???) I'm pretty sure I could use some re-focus right there. So for this week, I'm going to start trying to appreciate and have gratitude for the fact that I have a body.

For starters:

25. Today I was working outside to create the pool deck of my dreams (it's already about 4 months in the making). I love running my fingers through the dirt. I love feeling the cool grittiness on my fingertips.

26. I'm glad I have fully functioning eyes. I love that I can see. Even the boring things, I'm really glad that I can see them. But I'm especially glad I can see the really cool things. Like the purple flowers that we have constantly blooming in our Florida yard. Like the little dimples that show up under Nat's eyes when she's crying, Like the smile that decorates Caleb's face when he see's Nat after 3 long hours at preschool. Like the sun creating an outline along the palm tree-lined horizon.

Day 7

Tired

22. Kandice
23. Juliana
24. Laura

Day 6

This will be hard today. It's late and I'm feeling ungrateful.

19. Music. Singing. Playing the piano

20. Snuggling with Caleb.

21. Reading lessons with Caleb

This is hard. It feels like I'll never make it to 100, let alone 1000! I'm hoping to see some sort of personal internal transformation

Day 5

16. Christmas music. Today Isaac requested the Home Alone soundtrack while we were driving around. It made me happy to jam to "Rockin Around the Christmas Tree" with him.

17. My cell phone. It makes it easy to keep in touch.

18. Andrew's baseball coach. He's a nice guy who makes it a point to be positive with the team. Tonight he politely reprimanded a dad who was yelling at his kid to do better. After Coach Mark talked to him, the dad expressed he was glad Mark was the coach, and not him. Mark did a good job interacting with that dad and I was glad to observe it.

Day 4

13. Stretching out in bed after a long day. Finding the cool spots in the sheets with my feet.

14. Michael, the nice DMV worker, who actually made my day better for having met him.

15. Snickers candy bars and the fact that I have lots of them.

Day 3

Hmmm. I've been feeling pretty cranky today, and this is a lot harder when I'm in a bad mood. I find that I don't even want to think about things I'm thankful for. I'm continuing to read 1000 Gifts. I'm impressed by the author's candor and her window into her journey in learning about gratitude. So, what I'm learning today is that my own state of being (state of my soul) dictates my ability to be thankful. But I'll try, for the sake of plugging along.

7.

Wow, I'm just filled with nothing. Obviously there's a million things to be thankful for and I'm just irritated by lots of little things. I can think of things that I'm thankful for -- I'm thankful for my house, my clothes, my family, blah blah blah. But they're just the things I always say. Not things I'm really feeling. And I want this experience to be real, to really learn about gratitude. So how to I get to FEEL thankful on a day that I just feel blah blah blah?

So what I'll just try is listing things. . . maybe the act of listing my blessings will actually make me feel blessed. Here goes:

7. Modern dentistry: I had to get 2 fillings today. Man am I glad for anesthesia, and the fact that I don't just have to walk around with a couple of rotten teeth.

8. Mrs. Barbara. She's Caleb's preschool teacher. She is always so happy and so nice, and I always feel better just for having been around her.

9. Family dinner time. I love our routine of sitting down together every night and just being together. No TV, no music, no phones. Just us. This is what I think of when I think of family. And then at dinner, Caleb spontaneously says, "Who has done some good in the world?" and everyone did a little something. I love those guys.

10. A note from Stephen. I was grumpy with Stephen this morning and I came out of the dentist and saw a note from him on the seat in my car. I love handwritten notes.

11. Nick-nee. That boy is growing up, and I love to see the cool teenager he is becoming. I left him in charge for a little while I took Dani to practice driving (!!). He is a man-in-the-making. He's getting things figured out.

and one more to end the night:

12. Flip-flops. The other day I wore tennis shoes to do some yard work and my friend Beth told me later: "I was trying to figure out what was different about you and I realized it's your shoes." Pretty much no one ever sees me without seeing my feet. I LOVE flip flops. I love that I can slip them off as soon as I walk in the door and then just absorb the cool-ness from the tile. I love the idea that I live in a place that closed-toed shoes are very rarely a necessity (darn you, yard work!). I love looking down and seeing brightly colored nail polish. I pretty much am in love with flip flops!

And that was good for my soul. I needed to step away from my regular for long enough to just revel in gratitude. Lesson learned (for today). Just starting the list brings the real feeling.

Day 2

4. Air conditioning. Definitely air conditioning.
5. Crunchy hash browns with ketchup.
6. My Laughter Crafter.

Day 1

1. Gargly, high pitched Nat-speak
2. Chubby baby fingers fumbling for wisps of mommy hair
3. A grown-up family to share the joy of a baby with

It's Time!

So, this blog has been sitting neglected, and it's time to end that. My inner-writer is coming out today.

I've been reading a book called 1000 Gifts this week and I'm in love with it. Monday was a normal, crazy day in our house. It included a meltdown by me. See? Normal. Normal for Monday, anyway. I was anticipating our fun filled week (including play practice for Dani, 2 Cross Country meets for Nick, 2 baseball games for Andrew, Raingutter Regatta for Andrew and Isaac, 2 uncompleted raingutter regatta boats, 2 birthday parties to shuttle kids to, 2 doctor appointments, plus the normal stuff)

I was stressed out, hence the meltdown. My meltdowns are small by most comparisons, and consisted only of whining to Stephen and a brief crying episode. All off this leads to my rebellion. I sat down to feed Nat and check my email. I got an update on a blog I follow and I proceeded to the blog. Since it's now Saturday I have no idea what the blog post said, except it contained a hyperlink to the book 1000 Gifts. Here's where my rebellion kicked in -- I followed the hyperlink to Amazon.com and before I could talk myself out of it I bought the book and sent it to my Kindle app on my phone. Then I spent the rest of my snuggle-feeding with Nat lost in 1000 Gifts.

I always savor being lost in a book, but this one was particularly wonderful. As I stole minute after minute with the author I started counting all the gifts in my own world.  She helped me refocus my thoughts. I've spent many more snuggle-feedings with Nat stealing minute after minute with my face aglow in the light of my Kindle.

Thursday I found myself gushing to my friend about the book. . . "Monday I was crying about the abundance of things I had to do this week. Now that I'm reading this book I'm changing my perspective. I feel like I'm soaking in the abundance of blessings of all these good things in my life." It was a good perspective change, I'm gonna try to see if I can make it last.

So, my plan is to count 1000 gifts of my own, and see if I can keep the perspective for a little longer