Consumed?

Today I'm ending the day feeling consumed. I feel eaten alive by my day (my life, really). Because I've spent my days "busy".

A couple weeks ago I had this really great day where I feel like I was temporarily transformed. At the time I didn't know it was temporary, though. But I saw all of that busy-ness through different eyes. It was like my day was a cornucopia and all of these things that keep me busy (helping with homework, doing my own homework, sorting laundry, getting groceries, changing diapers, following up with doctors, cheering at little league games, running to school carpool, and on and on)... It was as if all of these things were the blessings of a full life spilling from a cornucopia. It was as if I was being blessed with abundance, rather than cursed with a never-ending task list (which I'm pretty sure is what hell is like).  It was a beautiful feeling. Because all of this abundance is really just the result of all the decisions I've made in my life. The decision to marry a kind, helpful man who is as willing to help anyone he sees in need as he is to listen to me fret about life ad nauseum. The decision to have 6 kids and make their well-being the focus of my life. The decision to live in a beautiful place that is far from family. The decision to turn my life and heart toward God, even when I find his light scorching to my yet-to-be perfected soul.

My point is, I want it back. I want the eyes to see my life as it really is. I want the ability to savor this season of abundance while it lasts. I don't want to look back and feel like I've squandered my abundance. Maybe this is what the parable of the talents means for me in my life right now. But it's not talents like special abilities, "talents" for me right now is that one day of better life vision to see my list of tasks as blessings of a full life. And my tendency is to bury it. To obscure my vision and cover my blessings in figurative dirt. To view this same list which God can teach me is abundance, to view it as a list from hell.

I have a feeling God can transform me. Perhaps he can help me double my talent. Turn it from a single day of God-vision into two.

Tomorrow I will get up with the intent of having a God-vision day. I will make decisions knowing he can grant that gift again.

So tomorrow night I will slip into bed feeling full to overflowing rather than consumed.